Moses wanted to see God. I can relate.
For years now I have experienced this sinking sensation that the God I
once knew has eluded me. He has vanished
from sight and only upon occasion peaks out from behind a huge tree in a
darkened forest. In those moments I
shout out, “There He is!” running at top speed toward the image only to find He
is out of sight once more.
I am disappointed by the organized church, by
Christians obsessed with politics and many leaders I once respected. I don’t see Jesus where He is supposed to
be. That leads me to question if He is
here at all, or whether he is a conjuring up of the influences of my early
environment? If He is – truly - how do I
get Him back in sight? How do I
repossess the dwindling recollection of the image to which I once clung and
upon which I planted my feet?
I have sat through spiritual preaching and lectures until
I was suffocating in a dark cell with the very air of my existence being
vacuumed out of my lungs. I have been
told that is worship. “Really?”, I
question. I have been sickened by the
battle between conservative and liberal theology and doubted that God could be
that brutal or that down-to-my-whims.
Recently, a friend wrote: http://www.sdrock.com/stories/tammywaite/
It is a gutsy piece of writing. As I read, I found myself standing on holy
ground. This is the God I
recognize. He came out from behind the
tree, walked out of the darkness into the light and said, “Here I am – in glory,
grace, pain and mystery.”
This is, I believe, the Christ, we should discover
speaking out from behind the pulpit. It
should be the God of mystery, the inexplicable Presence even in the midst of
unfathomable events. …the voice of faith
proclaiming in the darkness and brokenness, “He is here.”
We bow our head in the awareness of failure, acknowledge
our sin and say, “I know that my Redeemer lives.” Unspeakable grace stoops so low as to lift
our head and give us a call to serve.
This is also the God that should be witnessed in
Christians as they state political views.
It should not be an absolute rightness of conviction (to the
condemnation of others) but rather a humble working out of our salvation in the
arenas of our lives.
I remain mystified by any Christian boldly shouting
out they have a right to anything –having been bought for a price as high as
the Only Son of God. We have cheapened
the Cross and nullified the Resurrection.
And we have done it in His name.
I sit here quietly and alone, trying to grasp the
grace that fuels my friend’s convictions – the mystery, the horror, the wonder,
the ability to grab hold of that Holy love dispersed with reckless abandon and
to live forward in its healing powers.
This is the God I choose, the One I believe in – if one is to believe at
all.
Tomorrow I will go back to work. Brokenness will surround me and I will have
nothing to offer if I have not God. I
close my eyes. I silence my
argument. I allow the vision of faith to
return. He is here.
